Heinz Beans

Heinz Beans, also known as ambrosia or the food of the gods, is a mythical substance known for its prevalence throughout history and its unmatched flavor. The earliest known record of Heinz beans is from ancient Sumerian texts mentioning "holy beans" dating back to 2000 BC. The Ancient Greeks named the food "θεά φασόλια", which loosely translates to "beans of the gods". The name 'Heinz beans' was not adopted until the early 18th century, when it was named after the Ancient Greek god of beans, Heinz. Heinz beans did not appear on store shelves until the early 1950s, but they have been selling like hotcakes ever since.

Heinz beans have had a considerable impact on human history. In 1920, a can of Heinz beans became the first can of Heinz beans to hold an elected office. The world's fastest man, Usain Bolt, was disqualified from the 2018 summer Olympics when it was revealed that he was actually 38 cans of beans in a trenchcoat. The Constitution actually has bean stains on it from when the Founding Fathers were eating Heinz beans. One could make the argument that humans could never have reached the moon without the assistance of Heinz beans. Heinz beans basically ARE history.

So why don't schools tell you about Heinz beans and their impact on our history? Because of the Great Heinz Coverup of 1997. Bill Clinton was afraid of Heinz beans' increasing power over the United States as a whole, fearing that they would eventually surpass the US government. Bill Clinton censored every mention of Heinz beans throughout the world, in books, movies, TV, songs, etc. Now, MIB had just recently been released, so the secret service utilized the mind-wiper technology to make humans forget about Heinz beans. Clinton created a secret position in his cabinet, and every cabinet since, to "protect" the US from the "harmful information" he had deleted, should it ever resurface: the Secretary of the Beans.